littleFaith's b l o g

Embarking onto DECE-L

2011-08-08T13:09:00.002+08:00

Started DECE L. Still trying to find friends. Pray for a few good friends to accompany me thru the next 2 years.

Wedding

2011-03-13T15:35:00.005+08:00

Today is bro's wedding day. He has moved to his new nest and such, I'll miss the evening talks with him.
Wishing him and his wife happiness!

Tell Papa

2011-01-08T11:39:00.004+08:00

Mama,
I saw Papa mesmersing your old photographs and talking to himself. I am heartbroken. I want Papa to know that if he ask God for forgiveness of his sins, he can one day meet you in heaven.

Mama help me to have the courage to tell papa of the gift of salvation.

4th Anniversary

2010-11-02T20:02:00.002+08:00

It has been 4 years.

Brought Mama 2 bunches of pink carnations. She loves caranations. She loves the flower for its beauty and the hardiness.

Cried again at her grave beacuse I miss her so much.

Broken Hearted

2010-06-20T22:29:00.002+08:00

My heart is aching tonight. The 2 persons I love is acting strangely on me. Is it that I have hurt them?

Lord, pls can you mend broken hearts.

Letter to Mama

2010-02-17T19:31:00.003+08:00

Dear Mama,

I miss you very much. Just like when I was little, I always look forward for your coming to pick me up from grands' place. Sometime this feeling is so overwhelming that I began to cry. Mama, I still don not understand why did God wants to bring you Home so soon.

I am already half way thru' my dip in ECE. I know you will agree that I change line. You are always so supportive in whatever I do. Thank you for trusting in me.

The CNY holidays had just ended. Though I tried to replicate the things you do, my efforts are in vain. The festive mood has since left with you. Mama, don't worry, Iwill do my best as promised.

your darling girl

3rd Anniversary

2009-11-02T16:16:00.003+08:00

Today is the 3rd Anniversary of Mama being called Home.

Life at home is getting in place but it will never be the same again. There will be always this empty slot just like a jigsaw with a puzzle piece missing. No longer a completed picture.

I hate it!

2009-06-27T13:29:00.003+08:00

I am feeling real lousy today.

I had a quarrel with Papa on some very trival matter.

But what I am angry was he said mama was right that he will be lost with no help if she die. I think what mama was trying to say is, he was too dependent of her and NOT that we (the children) will not take care of him when she is no longer around.

Papa is also in self-pity state. And I hate that!

1st Day of School

2009-05-25T20:21:00.002+08:00

Today is my 1st day of school after 9 years.

Sometimes I feel stupid for giving up what i have to start from zero again. I feel pressurised to do well in ECE.

My Passion

2009-04-18T19:33:00.005+08:00

I haven't been here for sometime. Thank goodness I still remember my password.

Finally, I pluck up my courage to resign from my pm job. My last my at Pxx will be on 14 May 2009. I have not decided what to do after that. Perhaps, do a dipolma for early childhood, join MOE, or open a provision shop.

Well meaning questions like "What do you enjoy doing?" , "What is your passion?" are a little annoying.

Looking back ...

When I was little, I like to sing. Mama said I sang like a little bird perching on the branch. I don't think I can qualify for a pop singer. Got no look neither X factor.

Then when I am in primary school was love to cook and a bake. However, no one appreciated my cooking except mama my only fan.

Oh yes, I love to design costumes and garments for my paper dolls. And for a long while, a kept a scrape book for magazine cuttings on clothings. I told mama that I want to be a fashion designer. But I look more like a ah soh now!

These were my passions but what should I do for a living.

Molly the Wonderwomen

2008-05-29T22:05:00.006+08:00

I only knew Molly the founder of "WeareWonderwomen.com" from her blog writtings and our brief blog correspondances. It has been a habit for me to check her blog every few days for updates on her treatment. I look forward to good news. Actually I was looking forward to news on the chemo drugs she was on are effective in controlling the cancer.

Today, Molly was called Home to be with the Lord. Now she needs no more chemo drugs. Is this a good news? Can we celebrate?

Yes, we should rejoice that Molly is free from all pain. But being human, we only see our temporary lost. I do not understand why God took Molly Home when she is such an inspiration, encouragement and good testimony. Same as I do not understand why God took mama Home when is it time for her to enjoy her fruit of labour. Nevertheless, I trust God's greater plan.

I believe Molly had fought with that deadly disease, cancer, till the end, never giving up. I also believe she did not fought with the almighty God too. She did her best and left the rest to God.

A Wonderwomen I will miss, till the Lord comes.

Not just physical pain

2008-03-24T22:21:00.009+08:00

My church presented shadow puppet show on the crucifixion and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ on Sunday.

I always feel crucifixion was such a cruel death. The physical pain must be excruciating.

But I understood something more. When the Lord Jesus said "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”, it must be more painful than any thing else. God the Father has left Him. A child separated from his father. On top of the phyiscal pain, there were feeling of lost, desperation, loneliness, and emptiness.

Rejoice, the story did not end there. The Lord Jesus rose on the 3rd day!

Death has no power over Him, and thus it has no power over those who put their trust on Him.

My Condolences

2008-02-19T21:39:00.002+08:00

Lydia Sum, better known as Fei Fei succumbed to liver cancer this morning. She left behind a young daughter. I only know her for her iconic black-rimmed spectacles, hair style, bubbly personality and as a celebrity. But today my heart goes to her loved one and especially to her only daughter - Joyce Cheng.

I can understand the grief and pain her daughter is going through now. No amount of words can give any comfort. No amount of preparations can give readiness.

I send my most heartfelt condolences to you, Ms Cheng. Take a day at a time.

Something's missing

2008-02-18T22:25:00.004+08:00

A belated Lovely Valentine's Day to all my dears.

A Prosperous Lunar New Year too. May health and wealth be in abundance.

Last but not least, A Blessed Birthday to me! But where are the 2 hard-boiled eggs I used to get on my birthday?

Lost Skills

2008-02-05T21:31:00.000+08:00

Tonight is the eve of the eve of Chinese New Year (there is no typo error here :o)).

I used to accompany mama to the wet market to make the last minute shopping for fresh vegetables, meat, fishes, fruits this night. I love the array of colours of the vegetable stalls, do not mind the smell of the fish stalls and enjoy the hawkers and their patrons exchange of bargains. I was (and still am) amazed by how fast the hawkers could calculate the items cost and how mama counter offered.

I think I will never acquire this skill of quick mental calculation let alone bargaining. NTUC is where a get my groceries. I have no idea of total cost of items in the shopping basket (if there are more than 3 items) until I make payment at the cashier. Sad right?

Mama's Wedding Ring

2008-01-29T22:24:00.000+08:00

I am so happy, I found mama's wedding ring in the side cupboard beside papa's bed. I have been looking high and low for it for a few months now. I combed throught the places mama keeps ( it is difficult to use past tense on mama) her things. I practically left no stone unturned.

Mama took off the ring when she was going through radiotherapy. She must have wanted to keep it in a safe place. So safe that it took me a while to find it.

This ring was on mama's finger as long as I can remember. I remembered feeling it when holding mama's hand when I was little and also asking her what does the engraved initiate "L.Y.S." on the inside of the ring means.

If only my finger fit the ring, I would have it on as long as I can, just like mama.

The Journey

2008-01-07T21:57:00.000+08:00

Looking back, the journey we've gone through with mama during her illness was a bitter-sweet experience. I treasure every little memory I have, not wanting to loose any. That is one of the reasons why I started this blog.

The 18months battle that we fought together was so packed with emotions. Fear, anger, joy, peace, anxiety, heartache, thankfulness sometimes all rolled in one single day.

I found this site call CancerLynx and there was a particular article by Law Lee, he speaks about the needs of the cancer patients and their caregiver at different stage of the illness. I find his account very close to that which I have gone through with mama.

Filling Up the Spaces

2008-01-01T20:03:00.000+08:00

First, let me wish you a blessed 2008 ahead!

My brother and I embarked to give the house a fresh coat of paint. We realised that the finishings in the house are getting old, dirty and worn out. Mind you, we are staying in a relatively new flat, not more than 8 years. But it has deteriorated since mama was ill. I had posted before that the HOUSEkeeping at times seems so overwhelming. Thank God that brother sugguested, "Let's paint the house." As ever, I asked the same question, "Sure or not?"

I choose the colours and he brought the paint. I am a not a risk taker, so the colour are safe colours, off-white and lime green. Brother did most of the painting work. Me? I did the touching up and supervising. Oh no no, don't you despise my effort ;o)

When I was painting (or supervising) this thought came to me. Will we take up this responsibility if mama is still around? It was mama's "job", of course, not that we will leave all the works to mama but she will be the initiator, co-ordinator, supervisor and worker too.

Little by little, we are filling up the empty spaces left behind.

Audience

2007-12-31T16:22:00.000+08:00

I found out a few days ago that Molly, the founder of WeAreWonderWomen has linked this site to her's.

I am happy that this humble blog - lack lustre and often shallow writtings can be a blessing to you.

My Promise

2007-12-27T21:32:00.000+08:00

Papa bought himself a pair of shoes yesterday and I was glad. This means that he is gaining 'independency'. Papa used to depend on Mama alot - from fixing meals to buying the most essential like undergarments.

Mama kept reminding me during her last days to tke care of Papa. I will never be able to take her place but I agreed.

Wonderful Time

2007-12-25T13:33:00.000+08:00

Oh dear! It took me 15 mins to log on to my blog site. I sudddenly had a memory lapse. Totally unable to recall my Blog ID. :O

Actually, I wanted to log-on to wish you all

"A Blessed Christmas"

The past 2 weeks were wonderful.

I went to a 4 days church camp at Bayu Beach Resort @ Port Dickson. The place, food and especially the company, my church brethern (+ my beloved neice) were wonderful.

The last time I when to Port Dickson was 15 years ago. All I could remember were the notorious houseflies which were in abundant supply and also the gradual seabed (that is, you could walk real far out at sea but is still in shallow water).

This time round I think I have more memories to bring back but only time can tell.

God send a good doctor

2007-11-27T20:00:00.000+08:00

Mama asked Dr P if she still stands a chance to recover when Dr P came to visit her at Assisi Home. (I think I said that before, mama has never given up not even when she was too weak to sit up.)

I remembered Dr P replied,” There is a season for all things. Set your eyes upon Jesus.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

I thank God for Dr P. I never did expect a doctor who would go such an extra mile for his patients. He did not only play his part as a medical doctor but also a spiritual one.

He has also ministered me several times. Once he told me to have faith just simple faith when he sensed that I doubted God, mama and papa.

Hiccups

2007-11-17T20:02:00.001+08:00

Papa caught a cold last week. When he was almost recovered he experienced this un-stopable hiccups. It was terrible. Even I was tired when I hear him hipped continuously. Papa was worried that it was more than hicupps. At one point (when nobody was at home) he called Aunt Ling. He told her that he felt terrible and was very frightened. But why didn't he call any of us (my brothers and I) but Aunt Ling? I was angry and puzzled. It makes no sense! Aunt Ling? Why?

OK, I'll tell you how it was cured. I accompanied Papa to SGH-Clinic A for a regular checkup on Tuesday, and he was still hipping. When I went into the doctor's office I can't wait the tell him Papa's problem.

Dr T was calm and somewhat indifference. He told the nurse, "get me 2 cups of cold water" I knew immediately it was for Papa. I thought,"no, water won't do it! We had tried that! He needs medication!" I quickly said,"He had this for 4 days." Implying that water would not help.

The cups of water came. He lifted one cup and said,"Look and follow". He pinched his nose and sipped the water. He turned to Papa and said, "Slowly sipped 15 times without breathing". "No breathing through your mouth."

Papa obeyed. He sipped slowly and then released his nose to grasp for air. Voila ! No more hiccups!

I always knew drinking water cures hiccups. But to cure real hiccups needs the correct technic.

Nothing happens by Chance

2007-11-11T17:07:00.000+08:00

This afternoon, my aunties and uncles came to visit papa. As usual they would talk about mama and as usual the "ifs" would start.

"if the polyclinic doctor had done his job", "if mama had not been stubborn", "if her diagnosis was not delayed", "if she knew the fellow cancer patient earlier and got to take YunZhi pills", "if cancer strikes later"

I believe nothing happens by chance. Though we reap the consequences of our doings, but God is in control. As we are not on the same platform as God, we are not able to see, know and understand His divine plan. The sparrow will not fall unto the ground without my Father's approval, how much more are we worth.

Matthew 10:29 Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.

looking out for mama

2007-11-10T21:07:00.000+08:00

I know this sounds crazy and silly but I always "look out" for mama when I go to those places I used to go with her. Supermarkets, shopping malls, parks and hosiptals were some of them.

Somehow I hope to meet her just like you will unexpectedly bumped into a long lost friend or an old neighbour whom you have lost contact.

Claiming God's promise

2007-11-02T23:09:00.000+08:00

Today is Mama 1st Home-Going Anniversary. I thank God for giving my family the grace for the past year.

We visited Mama grave this morning. It was Papa 1st time to the grave. He finally could bear to visit the grave. The pain is more bearable for him now.

Mama is saved in Heaven, I want Papa to also have a place there. I pray that the dear Lord will open the door for Papa. Holy Spirit please draw neigh unto Papa.

This verse is on Mama's tomb stone “… believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shall be saved, and thy house.” Acts 16 :31. I am claiming it.

Give me blodness, please

2007-10-31T20:28:00.000+08:00

Whenever something good happened like a good dinner out, my brothers or I got a pay raise or promotion, a nice holiday, Papa will say,"Sayang (meaning it such a regret), your mama is not around."

I will pretent that I did not hear it.

I wish I can just pluck up my courage and say,"Papa, I too wish mama is here with us but it is not such a regret because it is God's will for her to go Heaven before us. If you come to Jesus for forgiveness, let Him be your God and personal Saviour, one day you will be reunited with mama."

Dear God, please give me boldness and tact to tell my papa about Jesus.

The Will to Live

2007-10-30T21:56:00.000+08:00

Mama is also one lady who never say die.
When I knew that mama's prognosis was poor, it was just a matter of weeks, 7 weeks was what the doctor predicted. I was heart broken. On one hand I wanted to tell her the straight truth, on the other, I just could not get myself break the cruel news. I could only hint.
One day, I asked Mama, "Ma, do you think that you will get well ?"
Mama replied, "yes, but it will take time."
I said, "Ma, it is ok whether or not you will be cured. We will be very gald if you are cured, but if not, there is nothing to loose because you will be in Heaven."
Mama nodded.
I came across some very encouraging cancer survivors blog snowcloud.moblog.com.sg and wearewonderwomen.com. These ladies are full of life despite of their cancer. I salute them!

Who should I follow?

2007-10-28T21:47:00.000+08:00

Yesterday Kit, my 7 year old niece asked me, "Ku Jie (Aunty in Cantonese), who should I follow, Mummy or you?"

After a pause, she continued, "I think I will follow you."

I knew she meant to follow whose "religion" or believe.

I told her,"You should follow the God who make the trees, the birds, the mountains and the seas. The God who died on the cross for your sin. Only Jesus died for our sin. So you should follow Jesus."

I pray that following Christ is set in this little heart.

Moving on ....

2007-10-26T21:33:00.001+08:00

My office is moving from Novena to Bendemeer over this week end. We finished packing everything yesterday. The move commenced this afternoon and by tomorrow evening everything should be moved to the new premises.

As usual some like the new location and some do not. Me? Umm... ... now adays I have became somewhat indifference to 'where am I?', 'who am I?' and 'How am I?'

After 6 years in this field, I feel that this job is not for me. I have been praying that God will lead me to where I should belong. Some place that I am able to do my best and work to my potential. I know God has a greater plan for me. May His still small voice be loud and clear to me.

Best Decision

2007-10-21T21:10:00.000+08:00

I am very sure now that mom is saved and is enjoying the presence of the Lord. How wonderful is to think of this truth. My GOD is GREAT. amen!

Faith Bible Institute course has helped me to build my faith. It has reminded me of the simplest but the most basic truth.

Matthew 10:32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.

Mom made known her desire to come to the Lord Jesus to Papa. She told her children and siblings about her conversion. Being a 'filial' daughter and a big sister, making this decision was not an easy task. Putting the family first and considering others were always mom's priority. Accepting Christ as her personal saviour was the last but best decision she made. She spends eternity with no regerts.

Papa's resentment

2007-10-10T20:40:00.000+08:00

Papa is very resentful.

It is about his childhood. He came from Singapore when he was 6 - 7 years old. That's about Kit Yee's age now. She is still drinking from her bottle when she has the crave. His mommy was left behind in China. His papa, my grandfather was from a quite well-to-do family. The family owned a coffee shop. But his papa did not fend for him. Papa did not go to school and have to work from day to night for his meals. He was bullied. He resented his papa and the family. This has made him very cynical and critical about life. Until he met mama. Life got better ...

I pray that the Lord of all power will change papa's heart. He needs God. He needs to know that Jesus has died for him.

The Lord to come before ...

2007-10-05T20:58:00.000+08:00

I visited mama's grave this evening after meeting at SAS. Bought her a little windmill from the florist hawker outside the cemetry.

As a walk up the hill, I always could not help but to ask my dear Heavenly Father,"Is this the best time to take mama home?" , "Why can't mama have more time here?". I guess I will not have the answer until the day I see God face to face. But by then, nothing matters anymore because I am united with mama.

As there is only limited land in Singapore, the grave plot is not 'freehold'. If I am not wrong, the plot is on tenure of 15 years, afterwhich the grave will be exhume. I think the plot will than make available for someone else.

I hope that the Lord comes before the tenure is up.

Matthew 27:52 And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,

8th month 14th day

2007-09-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

Today is 8th month 14th day of the lunar calendar.

Assisi Hospice had a little mid-Autum festival party this time last year. for their patients. The little garden was decorated with lanterns and tea lights. Mama was quite well that day. Se sat through the whole celebration.

She had a good time singing with the nurses. Mama loves songs. I believe Mama is singing with the angels in Heaven now.

Mama, I miss you!

Holding Together

2007-09-15T22:16:00.000+08:00

This evening, our family went to Bottle Tree Park for dinner. We met at Katib MRT station and took a 10 mins walk to the Park.

I gave a treat because I had my bonus. I just want to share my blessing and also wanted to take the opportunity for a family togethering. There is nothing much my family could do together except maybe to eat. The dinner was so so only but the fellowship we had was important.

Previously, mama was the center of gravity. She held everything together and all revolved around her. Since mama is gone, I think I will have to step in to take the position. I may not be the borned 'gravitation force' but I will try as much as possible to hold them together.

For what is your life?

2007-09-10T00:14:00.001+08:00

I am not able to fell asleep again tonight. Thinking of mama and missing her greatly.

The emotion is choking me.

The Lord should know how difficult it will be for us when He took her home. But He choose to do it. What has He got in mind? Why is this thee best plan for me? What kind of good will this do of me / us?

The truth will reveal when we meet Him. Setting my eyes upon eternity.

James 4:14 For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

2007-09-07T20:32:00.000+08:00

On 16 Aug 06, Dr P told us that she only has 10 % chance of recovery during family conference. I cried. Mama was experiencing great pain the night before. Aunt Ling and uncle chong were at the ward with her over night.

Mama had oral chemo from 15 Aug 06 to 22 Aug 06. Dr P decided to give the last shot and give her a strong drug through IV when the oral chemo did not work.

On 21 Aug, Dr P witnessed to Papa at his ward (papa was warded for heart / hypertension on 18 Aug) and mama at hers. He gave her a Billy Graham book. I saw mama signature on the sinner prayer. The next day, Dr Poon told Wai that mama might only have 1week left.

The IV chemo started on 23nd Aug. On 25 Aug, mama had headache and she told me that she woke up with a strange feeling. She said she scolded the nurse for the 'mess' they had created.
Dr P suspected that she had brain bleeding. I went to mama, pull the curtain and cried. I told her to call upon Jesus. First she said, ' for you, i'll do it" But I told her no, not for me. She agreed and said let's pray. She turned to papa and said,"I am going to become a christian." Papa said "ok, as you wish". We prayed the sinner prayer.

I asked mama if her still want to buddhist bead on her. She took it off.

s a V e D

2007-08-30T19:55:00.000+08:00

Last year this time was a great tribulation for me. Indeed, my Lord will not tempt me above i am abIe ...

I thank God that mama is now saved in His hand now.

Remission .... but...

2007-08-20T21:29:00.000+08:00

Mama completed her 4 cycle of chemo (6 cycles is the full course but stopped due to adverse side effects) and full dose of 35 fractions of RT in April 06. She was recovering from her side effects in May and started with her shopping trip with papa.

She had some pain in her right knee and later felt very ill in early August. She was admitted to SGH on 10 August 06. Dr P**n told us that we should have brought her to the hospital earlier. This was not the only time we have delayed. Mama was always very gurung, never want to go to the hospital or call her doctor to checkup.

2007-08-09T21:38:00.000+08:00

Today is National Day.

On 2005 National Day, mama was admitted to SGH for spinal stenosis. I remembered I wheeled her to the patient's TV room to watch the National Day Parade telecast. I was very glad that she was alright after the operaion.

She complained about pain in her legs after she was discharged. Our 'nightmare' had started.

She nose started to bleed. It began with only some foul smell in the nose and a little blood tinted mucous and phelm in the morning. She consulted the doctors in Yishun Polyclinic. They told her that there wasn't any thing serious, it might just be an infection. She came home with some anti-biotics.

During that time papa was having some throat and acid reflux problem, so both he and mama when to consult a ENT specialist, Dr Tan at SGH. Papa for his throat problem, mama for her nose problem.

I remember calling mama to asked to ask for the doc's diagnoses on that consultation afternoon. She was still in the doc's office when I called. She said with some nervousness,'there is something wrong and the doc is checking now.' I was scared. I waited for them to return home, it was a l o o o o n g wait that evening.

She brought home 2 scope photos of the 2 growths in her nose cavity. The doc suspected that it was cancer. She told us the doc proposed an operation to remove the growths. The doc would like the children to be present at the next consultation.

the nose bleed had gotten worst when she was due for operation. Dr Tan called me at my handphone when he finished the operation. He told me that the growth indeed looked cancerous. I was deveatasted. I cried to God to save mama.

The biospy confirmed that it was cancer but it took more than a month to find out the kind of cancer. It was alveolar rhabdomyosarcomas; is a type of soft tissue sacroma that affect older children and teens. It was rare.

I can't figure it out

2007-06-17T21:21:00.001+08:00

Papa's mood was good after we came back from Tokyo.

But today he threw tantrum again. Strange. He get angry for no reason. Today is Father's day, he cooked dinner, ate and when out at 6 pm. He did not tell anyone where he was going. He knew that Wai and family was coming for dinner, he knew that we bought a cake but he choose to ignore and avoid. I cannot figure out, really can't.

Dear God, help me to understand him. Lord, only you can change him, only you know his thought. Lord, I pray for his soul. Please Holy Spirit break his ego, soften his heart, made him come to you for forgiveness. I pray in Jesus precious name.

Update

2007-06-11T21:07:00.000+08:00

We are back from Tokyo. Was it fun?

I think it was more like to try to get escape the grief. But the hint of saddness followed us.

Sometimes, I have this ungratefulness thought "how could God be so cruel to take away my mom at this time?"

No, God is merciful and all powerful and with all wisdom. He cannot and will not do anything which is not the best. He would have healed Mama if it is the best for us.

PaPa is eating well and has put on some weight. But I fear his heart problem. His feet are swollen after our trip from Japan. He did a blood test this morning at Heart Center. Will be seeing the cardio 2 weeks later.

I pleage for the Lord to be patient and mercify to him. Let the Holy Spirit works in his heart that he may get saved before the rapture.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T20:49:00.000+08:00

A tribute to my beloved Mama

Mama was the pillar of the family. We looked to her for support. She is always there for us.

Mama never fear hardwork. She rised early while we are yet sleeping, still working when we called it a day.

Mama is resourceful. She has lots of contacts, friends and networking. There is nothing that she was not able to find out.

Mama take pride in her home and family.

She gave her all to us.

She is the best Mama I can ever have.

I thank God for Mama.

2007-05-01T22:18:00.000+08:00

Uncle Chong has a new stall in farrer park selling curry puff. Today is the 2nd opening day. He made too little to sell and not very organised too. Much room for improvement. Wai got him some fish ball and wanton from the wholesales. He will be selling 3 fishballs at 80 cents.

Papa is not looking forward to anything. He is very lost even in the most familiar place.

At times, I still can't accept that mama has left us. No preparation is enough not to miss her. I do not like Sunday or public holidays because that is the time I miss her most.

I pray for the Lord to be merciful and longsuffering with my family. Please be patient with them and give them more time to come to repentence. Let me be a good withness to my family.

PMak told us about Chew Mee family. They have all come to know Christ as their personal Saviour. Praise the Lord. How wonderful! I too want to claim this promise, "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you and your house will be saved". Bro Johnny said once,"It is God's will that your parents will be saved". Dear Heavenly Father, please let the Holy Spirit work in their hearts. Stir them. Help them to understand the the plan of salvation. Make them realised that it is sin that block them from you.

2007-04-11T20:27:00.000+08:00

It is almost 6 months mama left us.

I long for her hug, hold, laughers.

I imagine that she is reading the papers at her usual place.

I thank God that I will see mama soon.

I want papa to have the hope also.

I cannot imagine if mama is not saved or if i have no hope to see her again.

Lord, please give me grace.

My prayer

2007-03-30T00:45:00.000+08:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

Forgive my sin,

Hear my prayer

Help me know and live thy will

Make me clean, a vessel for use

Protect my family

Save them all

Lift me up to stand

Give me wisdom to understand your plan

Remove the grief that i may live

Hope fills me to see my mama again

In Jesus name amen

Dad to get saved

2007-03-22T22:07:00.000+08:00

Father is acting very strangely tonight. He paced up and down, restlessly.

I pray the the Holy Spirit to work in his heart. Pray that he will seek God. Pray that he will be convict of his sin and know he needs Jesus Christ to forgive his sin. Dear Lord, please be merciful to him, give him more time to get saved. Lord, please help him.

2007-03-08T21:26:00.000+08:00

I woke up last night at 2:30 and can't get back to sleep.
I felt I did not do well during the presentation with I.M.H's COO. I felt I did not manage to defend myself. I want to give up. I miss mama.

I sent my resume to Mok on Tuesday. Not sure if I will be called for interview. Should I continue in this line? I want to take a break !

The Next Feast

2007-02-22T21:50:00.000+08:00

We had our 1st CNY without mommy.

Last year this time mom was having her chemo, but she was still up to fix our reunion dinner. That was my last reunion dinner with mom on earth. The next meal with mom will be feasting at the wedding banquet with our Lord Jesus Christ.

2007-02-03T21:56:00.000+08:00

I started Faith Bible Institute. I want to know God more and understand His way.

I prayed that God will be merciful to papa and give him many opportunities to receive Jesus Christ to be his Saviour and Lord.

When I finish my course and I hope God will say "Well done!". Lord, please give me strength and grace to carry on. Help me to live this life to glorify you.

I miss mama very much but I shall not let it hinder me from doing my best. One day, I will be reunited with her. With God's help, I will bring as many as I can to be reunited with her. We will reign with Christ and live for ever and ever without suffering and pain.

burden

2007-01-17T12:48:00.000+08:00

i look around the house

so much to do

so heavy is the burden

when will i be free from these?

how did mama do up everything single handedly?

My dear Lord, please help me!

Nothing much

2007-01-15T20:34:00.000+08:00

Had lunch with SH project team this afternoon at Lao Bei Jing Novena. Paid by the Zha Bo Architect. So So only. Nothing great. Anyway it is free.

Lost my voice. It is not the 1st time. I have had this twice a year for the past few years.

Sorry that today's post is so ah soh.

Dream

2007-01-10T20:18:00.000+08:00

I dreamt of mama last night.

She came to me by surprise.

She looked younger, fairer, with thicker shoulder length hair. But the familiar look in her eyes did not change. In fact she looked good. She said,"Hey".

I cried and woke up.

Evidences that Mama is saved

2007-01-07T15:16:00.000+08:00

I want to write this down before I forget.

These are the evidences that Mama is saved :-
1. Dr Poon prayed the sinner prayer with Mama.
2. Mama signed below the sinner prayer in the book "personal peace" which Dr Poon gave her.
3. Mama told Pa that she wants to be a christian.
4. Mama took out the buddhist beads she was wearing.
5. Mama told big aunt that she has become a Christian and returned the beads.
6. Mama was annoyed when she knew aunts and uncles were talking about her conversion.
7. Mama asked me how to pray to God.
8. Mama asked if she needed to tell God her name when she prays.
9. Mama told Pa that he too must hear the preaching of Pastor.
10. I pray with Mama many times.
11. When Mama was very ill, she responded when I told her that I will get our family to accept Jesus.
12. Many prayed for mama.

I must rejoice that mama is now with God. No pain, no suffering, peaceful and save.

Separated

2007-01-04T21:26:00.000+08:00

My dear friend, YSL's father passed away last night after midnight. He was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 weeks after mama was called home.

YSL must be very sad. I know how it feels to be separated from your loved one. Let alone that she does not have the hope to see her dad again. This is the consequences of sin. Because of sin, man shall die, separated from your loved one and from God.

Robbed

2007-01-02T18:41:00.000+08:00

Visited Mama grave this afternoon. The despair monster striked me again. Messaged GP that I have not accepted that God should take mama away. She replied,"Aunt had finished her course but you haven't. e reason is obvious. finish your race. God will surely take you home. But I believe we may not have to die before going to heaven. He's coming! The wedding of weddings will begin very soon. Oh be glad!"

Read the Pilgrim's Progress about the character Little-faith who was robbed by Faint-heart, Mistrust, Guilt. Little-faith should be happy that they did not get his jewels; the certificate that he needed in order to gain admission at the Celestial Gate by the grace of Great-grace. But instead, fresh thoughts of his loss would surge into his mind whenever he began to be comforted.

Poor Little-faith! Hast been among the thieves?

Wast robbed? Remember this, whoso believes,

And get more faith, then shall you victors be

Over ten thousand, else scare over three.

from Pilgrim Progress by John Buyan

How true this is to me.

Thoughs for the New Year

2007-01-02T08:55:00.000+08:00

We came back from Sunway Lagoon, Malaysia.

Thank God for the good weather, the safe journey and the wonderful family time, with a hint of regret that mama is not with us. Visited KLCC again, was there 4 years ago, mama was with us then. But I am also glad that mama is in a much better place. Could I wish that she is still here? (Mama, I miss you.)

My new year resolutions:-
1. Be a blessing to those around me;
2. Humble myself;
3. Shine for Jesus Christ.

My new year desires:-
1. Family members getting saved;
2. To know God's will in my careers;
3. Pay up my housing loan.
4. Christ to come soon.

I read in the malaysia papers that Saddam Hussein was hanged on 31 Dec. He was not remorse even to the very end. This man's heart was heartened to no turning back.

Dear God please be merciful and patient with us.

Want to Change Job

2006-12-29T21:06:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking of changing line.

I know that I do not make a good Project Manager. I do not have the cut. I am not good at talking, i do not have the presence either am I assertive. Probably, I could only bully the weaker consultants and contractors.

I was so pissed off by the Architect this afternoon. She said," XX, can you send the report to the client." Helo, who is she to tell the PM what to do? She should mind her business, just focus to her own scope of work and stop trying to push the PM around.

I am sorry, PMs have big ego, especially those who are not doing well. Ha!

Anyway, I think this line is not my cup of tea anymore. I want to do something more meaningful. I am not hoping to be nobel. I will seek the Lord's will. I ought to be humble.

Tomorrow my family and I are taking a coach to KL. The children want to go to Sunway Lagoon. Please pray for journey mercy and that we will have a good time. It is our first outing without mama.

Coming back

2006-12-27T20:50:00.000+08:00

I met mama's friend this evening on my way home after work. She asked me if mama is well. I replied,"my mom has passed away." She was alittle unexpected and there was some disappointed and hopelessness in her eyes. That made me sad.

Mom may have left this earth but her is coming back one day to rule with Jesus! Death to a christian (one who has called upon Jesus Christ to be his saviour) is not being defeated.

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Phil 1:21

This Christmas Season

2006-12-26T20:23:00.000+08:00

I miss mama. I wanted to look at her photos but it just make me miss her even more. The feeling is so intense that it is like having a knife cutting through my heart.

Mama was having her Chemo treatment during last year Christmas season. It was was a relief for me when she got her treatment. It was after a string of blood tests, CTscans and consultantions. The doctors finally got to the bottom of the kind of cancer she had.

Mama suffered much during Chemo and RT. However, she was brave. Seldom did she cry or lost hope of recovery. It was me who cried alot. Mama consoled me," Don't cry, be brave." I fear loosing mama. I prayed for God to heal her completely.

My God answered my prayer. Not exactly what I asked for but better. He healed mama competely and i will not loose her.

That night

2006-12-26T20:00:00.000+08:00

Mom was called Home on Thursday 2 Nov 2006 at 4:56.

My brother, uncle and I were by her side in hospital. She was breathing heavily the night before. I fell asleep on and off. I woke up and found that she not breathing. Her pulse was weak. I realised that she was leaving. That parting moment was so so hard to bear. There are so many things I want to tell her but I kept saying," mama you go with Jesus, hold His hands, i will see you again in Heaven. i will take care of papa, brothers ... i love you, thank you mama ... ." She did not struggle. Her heart beat slowed down from 40/min, 30/min, 20/min to a straight line. She is gone. i was heart broken. I miss her very much. I dun want memories, I want her.

Mama never managed to go to Church to worship God. However, as I recalled, mama actually told my papa and her siblings that she is now a Christian; she removed the string of Buddhist beads necklace that my uncle gave her. Are these evidences (fruits) enough to prove that she is truly saved?

I can only carry on if I have the hope that i will see her in Heaven.